Regrets
by Metamorphosis2011
Summary: Time didn't heal all wounds! Dean Winchester could attest to that, still hung up over and haunted by the way he had, abruptly and without explanation, ended his blossoming friendship with Cas back in High School. Now all he wanted was to finally have a chance to apologize to the man and put the ghosts of the past to rest. He did not expect to get more than what he bargained for.


**A/N:** Just a little something I cobbled together in a few hours in an attempt to overcome an annoying writer's block for one of my other stories. I just needed to write myself some Destiel.

It has not been beta'ed and as much as I tried to catch all mistakes, there might be some that passed me by.

Warning for infidelity, and background relationships (non explicit). Hope you enjoy

* * *

Dean looked at his reflection in the mirror, pulling at the tie that felt too tight around his neck. He had never been a big fan of the whole suit and tie affair, didn't like the restricted feeling he always got dressing up like this. But tonight it was worse than just his usual aversion to adhering to some dress code, the blue garment felt like a literal noose around his neck, made him feel like he couldn't swallow or catch his breath. He gave it another tug, trying to somewhat loosen the knot, as the other hand worked nervously through his short styled hair, messing it up beyond repair in the process. But Dean didn't care, he just needed to find the strength to keep it together. He knew that really, he had no reason to feel this anxious, that most of his qualms about tonight were just him being stuck in his own head but ever since he had agreed to go to this stupid reunion, he had felt out of sorts.

Dean studied the face that was staring back at him. Had it really been twenty-five years since he graduated? The lines on his face seemed to attest to that, laugh lines around his eyes and mouth, etched into his skin over the years. Dean still deemed himself fairly good looking and in decent shape, for someone of his age that was. His job of running his own chain of garages and him generally being a hands-on kind of guy, preferring getting said hands dirty to sitting behind a desk all day, made sure of that. Yet there was an ever increasing softness around his tummy, which he had conceded defeat to about five years ago.

Dean tried his hardest not to think about the actual reason as to why after all these years he had agreed to show his face at one of these get-togethers. It was not like he really missed any of his previous classmates. He'd remained in contact with anyone he deemed important in his life, the rest had just been acquaintances or friendships of convenience that had fallen apart as soon as high school was over.

And then there had been Castiel…

Dean gulped. The memory of the guy, a not quite - almost could have been - best friend (or possibly even something more), and the way Dean had left things with him was haunting him to this day. A chance for some kind of do-over had been the reason he had so eagerly agreed to attend the reunion of the 1990 graduation class.

Castiel had been the new kid who had joined Kansas High in junior year and for a while he and Dean had hit it off. Cas was smart, witty and, when he wanted to be, a total badass, not taking shit from anyone. They had started to form an unusual friendship, the jock and the nerd. Then Cas had to confide in him that he was gay, and Dean hadn't been able to handle it. Not that he was a homophobe, never had been as far as he was concerned, just that this disclosure had somewhat hit too close to home, to a truth he so desperately hadn't wanted to face back then. And so, despite having told Castiel that it was ok, he had started to pull away, instead having chosen to promote his image as a jock and lady's man, and by the time graduation came around, they had hardly even been on speaking terms.

Thinking back to that time still made Dean cringe. It must have taken Cas an immense amount of courage to confide in him, and he had all but thrown it back in the boy's face, when in fact, the blue eyed teenager might have been the one person he could have been honest and open to about his own doubts and struggles. Plain and simple, Dean had been scared shitless because the way Cas had looked at him at times had made him feel and want things he had been pretty certain he was not supposed to want.

Wind forward twenty-five years, and Dean was still in his bisexual closet. Oh, he had come to terms with his occasional attraction to men by the time he was twenty-three but then he and Lisa had hit it off for a second time, apparently for the long haul, and after they got married Dean's varied sexuality had pretty much become a moot point, as he didn't fancy himself as the cheating type, and he never saw the point of rocking the boat of coming out just for the sake of it. He liked his life simple.

So two kids and a career in the car repair industry later, here he was, finally ready (or quite possibly not, but his mind was made up regardless) to face his ghost from the past. All he had wanted for so long was a chance to apologize to Castiel, but having been too much of a coward to seek the man out, despite the various means of modern communications. Not that he constantly thought about him, but every couple of months something would trigger his memory and his mind would wander back to those days, always leaving him feeling strangely sad and empty.

Then fate had dropped this chance into his lap, Lisa informing him casually over dinner that the 'elusive' Castiel Novak had confirmed his attendance at the reunion, and wasn't Dean friends with him for a while, and was he really gay like everyone had always whispered behind his back? Dean had valiantly ignored her comments and inquisitive gaze but in an instant Dean's mind had been made up to go, much to Lisa's surprise who had all but given up trying to convince Dean into going to one of these events. She had learned her lesson over the years but apparently her husband was not beyond surprising her.

He sighed, looking himself over one last time and deeming himself presentable enough. He would turn up at this event, his gorgeous wife on his arm and make the necessary small-talk. Then he would locate the man that had been so much on his mind lately and make his apologies, in the desperate hope that he then finally would be able to put his past to rest.

#

This had been a bad idea!

It took him about ten minutes of talking to his former team-mates before he needed that first drink. Some of them really didn't appear to have matured at all over the last twenty-five years (other than the odd beer-belly and the distinct lack of hair on some of their heads, that was) and the crap that came out of their mouths just made Dean want to punch them. Not that Dean was the most mature forty-three year old out there but even he had his limits. Not only were most of these people going on his nerves, he just couldn't take all that posturing as they compared house and car sizes, but he had been totally unprepared what laying eyes on Castiel Novak after twenty-five years would do to him.

Dean had downed three doubles shots so fast that Lisa, ever the attentive wife, actually felt the need to ask him whether he was ok. He had brushed her off with a smile and a peck on the cheek, urging her to mingle as she no doubt had plenty to catch up on with people. Luckily she knew him better than to push, so he hung back, nursing another whiskey as his eyes followed the dark haired blued eyed man who appeared to work the room effortlessly, a slightly taller man with blond, wavy hair by his side at all times. It didn't take a genius to work out that said man must be Cas' plus one, and Dean couldn't help a small, albeit wistful smile, briefly gracing his features. It made him feel strangely happy and at the same time queasy, this knowledge that Cas had found happiness, had managed to build a life for himself, and was confident enough to come back here with his partner.

A lot had changed over the last twenty-five years in terms of general acceptance of same sex couples but' of course' there were always the ones who would never look favorably on such relationships, which was evidenced by the odd snide look these two garnered.

Dean felt strangely proud of this man he hadn't spoken to in forever, at the same time an intense sadness suddenly threatened to pull him under, unanswered questions and regrets as to some of his own choices making themselves known. Not that Dean was unhappy with his life, he would have to be an ungrateful son of a bitch not to be, but just sometimes he wondered about 'what ifs'. How might his life look now if he had taken that leap, maybe had told Cas about- and then his world stopped turning as blue eyes met his gaze from across the room, an initial casual glance turning to wide eyed recognition as Cas undoubtedly realized who it was that he was looking at.

Everything else seemed to fade to black and Dean stared back, couldn't tear his gaze away as he swallowed nervously in quick succession. Castiel's expression went through a variety of emotions, from initial recognition to a flutter of happiness to sad determination, finally schooling on a warm neutral expression as he nodded his head in greeting, smiling almost coyly.

Dean knocked back the rest of his drink, it was now or never. Before he could change his mind he placed the glass on the bar behind him, taking a few determined strides across the room, coming to stand in front of the man who for possibly all the wrong reasons had been haunting him over these last decades.

"Dean? Dean Winchester?" Cas was the first to speak and Dean's mind stopped. He had not expected the deep, gravelly voice, so different from how he remembered Cas to speak. But of course the man would have changed, his own voice certainly didn't have the light lilt to it it had back in high school.

"Hi Cas- Castiel." Dean corrected himself quickly. He was certain he had lost the privilege to call the man by his nickname a long time ago.

"No, Cas is just fine. Only my parents call me Castiel." The man chuckled warmly, blue eyes shining, all crinkled at the edges, and Dean found himself captivated, studying all the features of the man in front of him, comparing and reconciling the image to the boy he remembered from high school. The softness had disappeared from his face, instead sharp lines dominated, strong jaw line and straight nose, framed by a dark shadow of stubble and lines around the eyes and mouth, pretty much like his own. He was nothing like the boy he remembered, and yet he was so much more. Dean was aware by now that he was staring but Cas was holding his gaze staring right back, as though he was trying to look into his soul.

Dean cleared his throat, the first one to break their staring match. "Cas it is!" He flashed the slightly shorter man one of his trademark smiles before the man standing next to Cas, who must have been here the whole time and how had Dean not noticed him, caught Dean's attention. Watery blue eyes bore into him, and he looked between them, an unreadable expression on his face. He nodded his head at Dean in greeting before turning to Cas. "I'll let you two catch up, find me later." He smiled a forced smile that didn't even convince Dean, and he didn't even know the guy, before giving Cas a quick peck on the cheek.

Cas stared after the man for a moment in obvious confusion before his eyes found Dean's again. God, those damn eyes really were as blue as Dean remembered. Suddenly feeling flustered, he let out a nervous little huff, slapping Cas casually on the arm in an attempt to gain back some form of composure. "Man, it's good to see you. So, how have you been?" Dean cringed at his words, this was not quite how he had wanted their first conversation after all these years to go, but it was a start.

#

"Shh, you gotta be quiet!" Dean giggled dragging an equally giggling Cas behind him and down a corridor with one hand, a full bottle of JD clutched in the other.

"We shouldn't be here!" Cas protested half-heartedly but making no move to pull away.

"Man, one of these gotta be open." Dean chuckled, as he pulled on various doors, sighing with relief when one of them opened revealing a small conference room behind it.

"Aw, I thought I mighta actually have to use my breakin' and enterin' skills." He slurred, starting to feel the previously imbibed alcohol sloshing through his system.

"Because in your current state you would be totally able to pull that off!" Cas rolled his eyes fondly.

They both were already pretty wasted, their nervous superficial banter had soon called for alcohol to keep the conversation flowing. Somehow despite the initial awkwardness and the obvious presence of unsaid words hanging between them, they had stayed glued to each other's side. Then with the help of Dean's good old friend JD, tongues had been loosened and soon they had been chatting mindlessly about everything and nothing in particular, everyone else seemingly forgotten. They clearly still had that something between them, that spark that ignited their initial friendship. Cas still could make Dean laugh just like he used to back in school.

Then Dean, in good old 'badboy-fashion', had swiped a bottle of Jack from the bar while Cas, his accomplice had distracted the bartender, and that was why they were currently scouring for a quiet place to share the loot.

They both slipped inside, Dean closing the door behind them, before sliding onto the floor, back resting against the wall, motioning for Cas to follow him.

Cas had to steady himself with a hand on Dean's shoulder as he sank to the floor. Just the simple touch felt electric to Dean in a way he had not felt in a long time. Man this was weird. He opened the bottle and took a big swig in a try to focus his thoughts before holding the bottle out to Cas who took it eagerly.

"Never had you down as the whiskey kinda guy."

"Why? Because us gays just drink froufrou fruity drinks with little umbrellas in it?" Cas retorted with no particular heat in his words, yet it made Dean freeze on the spot. They so far had avoided the big fat elephant in the room, or maybe Dean was we only one who felt the elephant's presence. Maybe Castiel had already forgotten and moved on from the shitty way Dean had treated him as a teenager.

That damn tie around his neck suddenly felt all too tight again, and Dean tugged at it with a distinct lack of coordination, ending up not so much loosening it as just making it look lopsided.

"Need a hand with that? The man next to him chuckled, already leaning over, and Dean's heart skipped a beat at the sudden proximity. Shit, he felt like a goddamn teenager with the way his heart was speeding up as those blue eyes looked down at him, and he was a married forty-frigging-three years old man, he didn't do crushes like that anymore, even unresolved ones.

Castiel's deft hands made quick work of undoing the knot, knuckles brushing against Dean's cheek, as he slowly pulled it open, making him shiver. He closed his eyes in a futile attempt to hide from the sudden onslaught of emotions.

"I'm so sorry." Dean blurted out, seemingly out of nowhere, making Cas still, one hand still clutching the end of Dean's tie as he stared at him nonplussed.

"What for?" He asked, tilting his head, adding to the look of confusion written all over his face.

This was it. The moment he had anticipated and dreaded for months, years even. Dean took a steadying breath, grabbing the bottle of whiskey from where it rested between them and took a big gulp.

"For havin' been 'n asshole back in high school and-" Another swig followed the last one before Cas snatched the bottle and put it to his lips, swallowing down a fair amount, feeling Dean's eyes on him, tracking the movements, coming to rest briefly on Cas' lips.

"You don't have to-" Cas weakly protested after a moment, pain at the memory clearly written all over his face.

"No, I hafta!" Dean insisted, now that he opened the floodgate, he just needed to vomit it all out. "You didn't deserve me treating you like shit, you opened up to me, told me something real personal and I- I just- I- damn, I-"

"Dean, it's in the past, we were both young and naïve. Really, it's ok." Cas tried to placate when Dean clearly started to wrestle with his words.

"No it's not ok, never was." He grumbled, holding out his hand for the bottle, which Cas handed to him willingly, another quick swig of amber liquid to steady his swirling emotions.

"I never should've, I was just- god Cas you really want to know why I stopped being your friend and pulled out all the stops to convince everyone that I was the 'real deal', living the fucking American dream with beautiful girls and stupid jock friends." He turned his head and was floored by the intensity of the gaze he was met with.

"T'was because I fuckin' couldn't handle being around you, not after- you were so fucking brave tellin' me and I was so fucking scared-" Dean held Cas' gaze as the man's expression changed from confusion to dawning understanding.

" _Oh_ -" Castiel needed a drink for this He wrangled the now near empty bottle out of Dean's shaking hand and knocked back the rest of the whiskey in one long gulp, wiping away the bit of liquid that narrowly missed his mouth and trickled down his chin.

"Yeah, _oh_ \- I just-" Dean let out a humorless laugh. "I think I kinda might have had a thing for you but- I just couldn't and- it just wasn't for me, couldn't be." Dean let his head fall back against the wall with a bang as the truth he had kept quiet for all these years hung heavily in the air. Not just the fact that he was not the straight corn-fed mid-westerner boy that he had everyone believed he was, but also the truth that the root for his actions had lied in his crush on the man currently sitting next to him, breath coming out in short sharps gasps, as Dean's word slowly sunk in.

Dean expected a plethora of reactions, but Cas bursting out laughing had not been one of them.

"The hell?" He turned and fixed Cas with a glare, suddenly feeling angry and stripped bare by too many emotions and too much alcohol.

"I- it's just a lot to take in- I'm not making fun of you-" Castiel's head was spinning, despite his earlier protest, he did in fact prefer a nice glass of red wine to hard liquor and all that whiskey was turning his brain to mush.

He tried catching his breath, turning to face Dean, blue eyes shining with raw emotions. "Total honesty- I had the biggest crush on you back in high school, in fact I had kinda been hoping you returned my feelings, just the way you looked at me sometimes and then- the way you acted after I told you- I believed for years I had it all wrong. _Damn it_ , it took me fucking years to get over you and now you- you're fuckin' telling me that you- it's just a lot to take in."

Dean's world might quite possibly never start to spin properly again, what with the amount of times it had stopped tonight. His heart jack-hammered in his chest when his brain finally caught up with Cas' words. Damn, he was too fucking drunk for this but also not drunk enough.

"I need more drink for this." He stammered as he got up on shaky legs. "don't go anywhere, Imma gonna procr- prod- procure more alcohol!"

Castiel had no idea why he just nodded his head, but the idea of actually moving from this place, back into the reality that was awaiting him out there, was too much to face right now. More alcohol sounded like a splendid idea.

Dean for all his drunkenness was still rather nimble and managed to sneak back into the hall and grab another bottle of something- tequila he concluded later by the taste of it - without being noticed by anyone in particular and quickly made his way back towards their hiding place.

His mind was reeling and part of his brain was shouting at him to just go and find his gorgeous beautiful wife of eighteen years and to cut his losses. Yet a bigger part of him felt that inevitable pull back to the conference room, to what felt like unfinished business. Where they done talking yet? Had he managed to meaningful apologize, was he forgiven by Cas? Had Cas even considered his actions something that he needed to ask forgiveness for?

And then there was the fact that Cas had had a crush on him back in the day. What if he had reacted differently to Cas' revelation? Could they have ended up being a thing? Would Dean have ever even been brave enough to take that step, back in high school when image appeared to have been everything. All these questions were making his head hurt. Fuck it all! The pull towards the blue eyed man was gaining traction with every step he took towards that room and it suddenly hit him, with a blinding clarity. He had never dealt with his very unique feelings for Castiel Novak in any meaningful way, other than to shove them down, deep deep down.

Dean entered the room, the man still in the same spot he had left him earlier, eyes closed and head resting against the wall, legs leisurely crossed at the ankles. Dean looked his fill. God, Cas was beautiful, there was no denying the fact, long lean body, with strong legs yet when he moved, he had an undeniable grace and softness about him and Dean should have realized the second he had set eyes on his old friend earlier that he would be lost.

Then Cas opened his eyes, possibly alerted to Dean's presence by the man's heavy breathing in the relative quiet of the room, and gave him a lopsided smile, so endearing that Dean couldn't pull his eyes away.

"There you are- thought you was gonna leave me're-" Castiel rambled, that small smile turning into a full on grin, one Dean just had to return.

Castiel chuckled then. He definitely was drunk, and he still couldn't wrap his head around the fact that after all these years he was here with Dean Winchester of all people, and the man had the fucking audacity to be as gorgeous as he remembered him to be. Scrap that, he was even more beautiful, age had been really kind to him and damn, Cas was not the cheating kind, never had been, but if Dean would proposition him here and now, he was not sure he would be able to say no. He knew any more alcohol was probably a dangerous path to take but he was already too drunk to pay attention to reason. Instead he motioned for Dean to come and sit next to him again, missing the man's solid presence next to him.

Dean grinned and flopped down next the Cas, holding out the bottle, chortling at the way Cas' face scrunched up when he tasted he alcohol.

"Sorry, kinda grabbed the first bottle I could-" Dean took his own swig, shuddering at the telltale taste.

"Ugh, I don't even like this stuff-" he grunted even as he brought the bottle back up to his lips again.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, their eyes meeting ever so often, soft brushes of fingers having each of them shudder and craving more, as they kept passing the bottle between them.

"You think we coulda have been something-?" Dean mumbled more to himself than to Cas.

"Don't ask me that." Cas groaned. "Hyposeth- hypo-"

"Hypothetical" Dean finished for Cas and smiled rather smugly that he was able to get the word out.

"Yeah, that. It's all hyposenthical. Won't do either of us any good to dwell on the past." He slurred.

"Mhh." Dean mumbled his accord.

"But damn, I wanted it to!" Cas added after another moment, in complete contrast to his just stated sentiment.

Dean startled at the vehemence behind those words turned to face the man once more.

"You would've been my first and all- wanted to kiss you so bad-" Cas reminisced, eyes glued to Dean's face, roaming freely over his features, coming to rest on his lips which left Dean with very little doubt that Castiel wasn't just talking about the past. Fuck everything, he felt a heat unfurl in his stomach, the likes of it he had not experienced in years, possibly ever, the sheer thought of having those strong firm lips pressed against his made his pulse quicken and his blood rush south.

"Fuck" He groaned hitting the back of his head repeatedly against the wall he was leaning against. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He craved this so much. Apparently his attempts at suppressing all his same sex attraction for basically his whole life had decided that now was a good a time as any to come and bite him in the ass. Or maybe it was just the proximity of this man, Cas, who should not have this kind of sway over him but had it regardless. And if Dean was being totally, brutally honest with himself, he desperately wanted to kiss right now, just as much as he had wanted to back in high school.

Cas looked at him with concern, putting a hand on Dean's thigh in silent support, making Dean's breath hitch.

"We should probably-" Cas started, nodding his head in the direction of the door. If he didn't get out of here now, he knew he would do something he might regret for the rest of his life.

"Yeah, we should-" Dean echoed the sentiment but neither made any indication of moving, as their eyes stayed glued to one another. Fucking eyes, Dean thought. Even in the relative darkness of the room they shone like a beacon, pulling him in. Cas' hand still rested hot on Dean's thigh and he had never known such a simple connection to cause such a reaction in him. He felt himself sway towards the man, pulled into his orbit and maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it was just the inevitable outcome of their meeting again, but Cas mirrored the motion and they hovered inches from each other for a second before Dean hungrily closed the last bit of space between them. He met Castiel's slightly chapped lips in a desperate press with his own, moaning all his pent up want into the other man's mouth when Cas' lips parted willingly allowing him entry and dragged Castiel to the floor with him, not taking notice of the half empty bottle of tequila tumbling over and spilling onto the floor

Cas grabbed around Dean's neck and pulled him deeper into the kiss. His mind was spinning with sensation overload. This was Dean kissing him. The Dean he thought he would never see again and now here he was, a delicious weight on top of him, kissing just as good as Castiel had always imagined him to.

"Dean" Cas whimpered needily, as he gasped for air between nips and licks and sloppy drags of tongues between their mouths. Dean was pulling at Cas' clothes, trying to unbutton the shirt but giving up after a few minutes and just scrunching it up around the man's neck, palming at the expanse of tanned skin, letting his hands roam over his torso, getting lost in the feeling of firmness and hair that was smattered across Cas' chest, making it feel so different from anything he had ever known in a partner.

Cas bucked up when a finger grazed over his left nipple, nearly losing the last shred of conscious thought when he felt the outline of Dean's hard cock against his hip.

Cas was desperate to feel all of Dean, right now, before he might never get another chance like this again. He tugged at Dean's shirt with a distinct urgency, Dean complying by lifting up his arms, allowing Cas to pull the garment off over his head, only for the arms to get stuck no matter how hard Cas tugged.

They both dissolved in fits of laughter as Dean cursed under his breath about there being a reason he hated wearing shirts before he finally managed to free his arms from the sleeves, a button or two flying off to the side in the process.

"God Dean, you're gorgeous" Cas couldn't help his outburst as his eyes and hands roamed over the man's torso, wide shoulders, and biceps down his chest and coming to rest on his tummy. He felt Dean squirm and suck in a breath.

"Don't!" Cas admonished, leaning up and burying his face in the softness of Dean's belly before cheekily biting down on a bit of skin.

Dean yelped, half in pain half in pleasure, but the sensation made him forget about his issues with his tummy, all thoughts of making himself look more presentable forgotten as Cas continued his assault on his belly.

While still swirling his tongue around Dean's belly button, Cas' hands migrated down to the man's belt, and despite the amount of alcohol sloshing around in his system, he managed to unbuckle it without much fuss.

"Cas, please-" Dean begged, feeling his erection throb inside his pants, and desperate to feel the man's hand on him even as his own traveled down to Cas hips, holding the man in place as he experimentally rutted down against him.

"Mhh-" Cas groaned in pleasure, falling backwards and pulling Dean with him, pants half undone. He worked his right hand under the seam of Dean's slacks and straight past his boxers, groping the man's ass, making Dean jump and grind down on him with a mewl.

"You ever-?" Cas gritted out as his lips found Dean's again.

Instead of words, Dean just shook his head. He had never had the nerve to act on his desire for men and once he got married he never even tried to give it much thought. Shit, part of his mind tried to provide him with the reason why this was not a good idea, he was married for fuck's sake. Yet, he was so desperate for this. In a way his desire for Cas had been there long before his relationship with Lisa, that should kind of make this an exception, or not? Even in his drunken state he knew this was a bullshit excuse at best, but this was Cas under him and he most likely would never see him again after tonight and he just needed to feel this one time what it would be like to have this with a man, more specifically with Cas and "Fuck…" he cursed as he felt Cas' hard cock brush against his own, as the man ground up into him. Somehow the nifty bastard had managed to get both their pants open and pulled down over their asses enough to cause this delicious skin on skin friction.

"This ok?" Cas asked, panting hard.

In lieu of words, Dean thrust down enthusiastically, showing him just how ok this currently was.

"Oh god-" Cas gripped him tight around his hips, trying to coordinate their movements, the slip and slide of their cocks having Dean breathless and heaving for air within minutes, his lips repeatedly attaching himself to any part of skin on Cas' body he could reach, licking and sucking and enjoying the salty taste of sweat soaked skin.

Somewhere along the line, in between all their rutting, Cas managed to work a hand between them, enclosing both erections in a tight first, urging Dean on to hump into it, as he met him with his own thrusts, an expert thumb brushing over their heads, spreading around the combined precome and coaxing the most delicious noises out of the man above him.

Dean ha no idea how much longer he would be able to last, already feeling the telltale tingles and tightening of his balls, and as much as he just wanted to come he also didn't want this to be over too soon. He slowed his movements, burying his face in the crook of Cas' neck, pleading for a moment to collect himself, feeling the answering rumble of Cas' laugh reverberating in this chest.

Cas carded his fingers through Dean's hair, almost too lovingly for Dean. This was not supposed to be like this, it could not be, yet he leaned into the touch, silently asking for more as Cas' other hand gently stroked up and down his back.

Dean kissed him then, not as desperately as before, softer and longer, tongue lazily exploring Cas' mouth. In time, they both picked up the movement of their hips again, first only gentle rolls and thrusts, just to keep them on the edge, to keep this feeling without putting them over, but soon enough it got heated again, Dean getting bolder and pinning Cas to the floor as he rolled his hips with more vigor, making sure their cocks connected on each drag with his hips. He kept the pressure light, almost teasing and soon that gorgeous man underneath him was a whimpering mess, begging him for more and Dean was heady with desire, grinding down harder and harder, Cas now meeting him with his own thrusts again.

"Dean- Imma-" was all the warning he got before he felt the man under him go rigid, followed by a warm sticky mess spreading between them, the sensation and the delightful sight of Cas' blissed out expression and accompanying moan enough to sent Dean into his own orgasm, adding to the mess between them as came, riding out his high with gentle thrusts until it became too sensitive for him to do so and he collapsed on top of the man.

They stayed like that, catching their breaths, trading kisses, not caring about the world that was still in motion somewhere out there. Dean rested his head on Cas' chest, not willing to think and also from stopping the room from spinning. It had been a long time since he had an orgasm quite like this, and the alcohol was definitely not helping in keeping his vision stable.

They near dozed off like that, entangled on the carpeted, yet not very comfortable floor, when Dean's phone started to chirp.

"Fuck." He shot up with a start, trying to get his bearings, no idea where his phone even was. His trousers were pooled around his ankles and by the time he managed to find it, it had stopped ringing.

But it was like a cold bucket of ice water. Reality had come knocking on their door. One missed call from Lisa. No doubt she wanted to know where the hell he had disappeared to, and the time, fuck it was past 1am! Which meant he had been missing for well over three hours.

Dean looked at Cas, still stretched out on the floor, head lifted up slightly, watching him. He had no idea what to say, just waved the phone aimlessly around as though that was an explanation. And maybe it was, as Cas nodded in understanding, the happiness from just moments ago wiped off his face. Suddenly the room, instead of the haven it had been to them all night, felt restrictive, like a prison. The smell of alcohol and sex was in the air and it was like it hit them both at the same time that they had just cheated on their spouses.

They got up in silence and tried to clean themselves off as best as they could (thank god they had decided to do this in a place with a kitchenette attached) and make themselves presentable.

Dean's hands shook as he tried to redo the tie and after the third attempt he gave up with a chocked out groan. Cas took the tie out of his hands and somehow managed to secure it around Dean's neck, their eyes meeting for the first time since they got up off the floor and Dean wanted to cry. What the hell was wrong with him, he should be worried about his relationship with Lisa, be appalled by the despicable thing he had sworn himself he would never do to her and had done regardless. Yet here he was realizing that quite possibly he would never see this man again, and his heart broke just a little at the thought.

"Just one last kiss." He breathed against Cas' lips, only closing the distance when the man nodded his consent. The way Cas was clinging to him, Dean could only assume that the man was facing the same internal struggles he was. After a moment they pulled apart, Dean the first to leave their sanctuary, not caring for the mess they left behind on the floor, Cas leaving the room a minute later, plastering on his best smile as he went in search for his husband.

#

"It was him, wasn't it?"

"Who?" Castiel knew he had no right to play dumb but he was tired and if at all possible, he preferred to have this discussion in the morning, but apparently Balthazar wanted to talk now. The atmosphere between them had been tense all the way back to their hotel room. It was like the second Cas re-entered the hall and his husband set eyes on him, he knew. Of course that was not possible, but Cas was sure he knew something had happened, for one Balthazar was always very adapt at reading Castiel and Castiel was also very, very bad at hiding his moods.

Balthazar rolled his eyes. "Please, at least grant me the courtesy of honesty."

Castiel felt rightfully chastised and nodded his head.

"The green-eyed Ken-doll." Balthazar elaborated after a tense moment of silence. "The one who was devouring you with his eyes all evening. He's the one you never speak about, isn't he? If I might guess, he broke your heart and he's the reason you never fully let yourself go and why you always hold part of yourself back."

Castiel just stared, floored by Balthazar's apparent insight into the innermost workings of one Castiel Novak. Had he really been holding back on their relationship? They had been together for ten years, married for one, thanks you marriage equality, but had there been a part of him he had not shared? He had never really been open about his high school experiences with anyone, had not really deemed it important, after all it had just been a short period in his life, and not really defined and made him into the man he was today. Yet, he had never forgotten about Dean, that much was true, and maybe the way he had been rejected by him, and in the process ruined their friendship, had made him more cautions in certain aspects of his life. And before tonight he would have outright denied that there was any more to it than that, but now he couldn't. He had loved Dean back then, had fallen quickly for the charming, kind, not at all what he had expected a jock to be, teenager, and apparently a part of him had always remained in love with him.

So, instead of coming up with some elaborate denial, Castiel simply nodded. He at least owed his husband the truth, not that he deserved anything in return, not after what he had done tonight.

Balthazar nodded, looking defeated, as he clearly searched for what to say next.

"Just tell me what happened. I'm not stupid, I know you were with him all night and I saw the way you two were looking at each other."

"I'm so sorry." Was all Cas managed to get out, studying the floor, trying to will away the hammering in his head from where the high of being drunk was quickly turning into the mother of all hangovers, and he hadn't even had any sleep yet.

"So where does that leave us then?" Balthazar asked after a long moment of deadly silence. It was at that moment that the copious amounts of alcohol really made themselves known and Castiel just about made it to the bathroom before he brought up the entire contents of his stomach.

#

Dean didn't know what to do. His head was hurting, he still could taste Castiel on his lips, he was certain he must reek of alcohol and sex and yet Lisa acted like nothing at all had happened, yapping away happily about all the people she had talked to all night and that she only wished she could have shown of her gorgeous husband more but she understood, because Dean wasn't really good with crowds, and she just hoped that he managed to have a good time, commenting casually that his hangover tomorrow would be a bitch.

It was at that point that Dean couldn't take it anymore, Lisa was way too good for him, how could he have done this to her? And how was it that while he regretted the pain this will cause his wife, he could not regret what he did with Castiel, god he was really fucked up in the head.

"Shut up." He blurted out, before he could stop himself. He just couldn't hear her understanding voice any longer. Lisa stepped on the brakes, pulling the car over, before turning to look at him.

"What's wrong?" She asked, voice still too soft and warm. Dean didn't deserve it.

"Everything's fucking peachy." He grumbled.

"I know you hate these events, and I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have encouraged you to go and-"

"Lis, stop! None of this is your fault, ok!" Dean near shouted, burying his head in his hands.

He could feel his wife's confused gaze on him.

"Dean, what's going on, you're getting me worried here." She put a hand on Dean's thigh, nearly in the same place that Cas' hand had rested not two hours ago and Dean flinched away like he had been burned.

"Dean?" Great, now she sounded really worried.

"I- it's- I-" Shit, he couldn't talk, breaths coming out short and shallow and his head was spinning, his throat constricting.

"Breathe, Dean, calm down."

"I can't-" He wheezed before opening the door and getting out of the car, doubling over and resting his hands on his knees, as he tried to take some deep breaths.

A soft hand was placed on his back, drawing soothing circles over his skin.

"Did someone say or do something? It looked like you had a good time. I saw you getting drunk with- what's his name, Castiel? Brave man by the way, showing up with his husband, I mean I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but you know what some people are like, especially around this area-"

"I had sex with him." Dean blurted out, just needing to get this over with. There was no way he would pretend this never happened, he would not be able to ever look Lisa in the eye again. If she wanted to kick him in the nuts for it, she would have every right to. In fact, if he could, he would do it for her.

She just looked at him in confusion, as though the words were registering but not making any sense. Like she didn't know which bit of the sentence she should focus on.

"You had what with whom?" She asked after a moment, but there was a chilliness in her voice that Dean couldn't miss even in his drunken state.

"Cas- I mean Castiel. I'm- oh god- I'm _not_ straight Lisa." He groaned. This was probably the worst possible way he could have ever had this particular talk with his wife.

"You- what?" She stared at him in utter shock and after a moment he noticed a shimmer in her eyes, her throat swallowing in quick succession, like she was fighting hard to hold back the tears.

"All these years, you've been lying to me?"

"Yes- I mean no! Only in parts. I do like women and I love you but- just I also like- _men_?" It was almost phrased like a question, the first time he openly said this to anyone and his heart was about to stop. He never wanted to hurt anyone and in one night he just about managed to dole it out in double quantities by the looks of it.

After a minute that might have been hours, Lisa wordlessly got back into the driver's seat, motioning for Dean to get in.

He clambered after her, looking at her in utter confusion.

"We're not having this talk on the side of a road at 2am with you too drunk to think properly." She simply informed him before starting the car and pulling onto the road again.

Dean knew he would be sleeping in the spare room that night and that even that was more than he deserved.

#

Dean sat at the kitchen table staring mindlessly at his laptop screen, feeling the oncome of a massive headache. The manager of his recently opened fourth auto repair shop had just upped and left, leaving the whole business struggling. He probably would have to go and fill in himself until he could fill the position again, but that would leave his main garage short a hand.

It was during moments like these that he really became aware of the quiet around him. There were no loud voices of teenagers arguing or of slightly too loud TV shows blearing from the next room. There was no one to share his day with. That significant other that you could bounce ideas off of or just find a moment of reprieve with.

Not that he had anyone else to blame but himself, he had made his bed now he had to lie in it.

He and Lisa had talked and cried, and argued and cried and then talked some more, with the end result of Dean agreeing to move out to give them both some time to get perspective. That had been six months ago and they had all but officially broken up, Lisa currently filing for a divorce. The chasm that had opened up between them that night had apparently been too deep for them to cross.

Life was a bitch, Dean concluded, pouring himself a glass of his favorite whiskey. The irony of this whole debacle was that in the end it hadn't been the fact that Dean liked men that ended up being the reason he and Lisa broke up. She had even said that if Dean had just been open with her, she might have been agreeable to him exploring that side of him (and that was just one of the many reasons she was too good for him), but it had been the reality of him cheating on her that she couldn't see herself getting over any time soon.

Also, she had told him in no uncertain terms that she had a distinct feeling that there was more to this thing with Castiel than just a drunken slip-up, and Dean needed to go and figure out what it was that he really wanted in life but that in the meantime she would have to try and carry on with hers. He respected her decision of course, because as much as he might have wanted to, he could not deny the fact that she had been spot on with her assessment. Apparently his conflicted emotions about Castiel had been broadcasting loud and clear. At least they agreed to split amicably, avoiding any strenuous custody battle and Dean willingly agreed for her to keep the house.

Still, he was lonely, and as much as he missed his old life, seeing the kids just at weekends just wasn't the same, he also had a constant low burning desire to reconnect with Cas. But even after six months since their night together, Dean had not worked up the courage to contact the other man. Oh, he had hovered over and stared at the other man's Facebook profile plenty of times. Sam had called him pathetic more than once. Yes, he had finally come clean to his brother about a lot of things, and after an initial rough patch, they now were ok again, and if anything, it felt like they were closer in certain aspects.

But his brother had a point, he was, in fact, pathetic, always too much of a coward to actually send that Friend request, not even after Cas had made his profile public, clearly stating that he was now, in fact, single. The news had pained and elated Dean at the same time. Pained because he could only imagine the emotional turmoil Cas might have found himself in, because he could relate, and elated because Cas was now a possible prospect for a relationship, which in turn pained Dean again, because it would only be a matter of time before someone with more guts than Dean would go and ask Castiel out, willingly giving the man the love and attention he deserved.

With that worry a constant in the back of his mind, why had Dean still not done anything to pull his head out of his ass? He could have at least contacted the man, pressed that stupid Friend's request button and actually find out how Cas was holding up. Maybe they could at least end up being friends. After all they nearly had that once, a lifetime ago. But he always hesitated to make that final step. Was it even friendship he wanted? He didn't know if only friendship was something he could ever aspire to have with Cas, not after the night they shared.

And then there were the moments of anger, where he glared at Cas' profile, trying to convince himself that the man clearly must have moved on from their night of drunken passion, because _obviously_ he didn't feel the need to get in contact with Dean. Not even after Dean, in a matching move to Cas', changed his own profile to single and also made it public. If Cas was interested in him even a little bit, he sure would have seen it by now. It was easier trying to blame Cas than to think that he might be struggling with this whole mess just as much as he was, no matter how illogical Dean knew this to be.

Nothing would get solved tonight Dean decided, knocking back the rest of the amber liquid and about to close down the web-browser when a new e-mail alert caught his attention. It was more out of reflex than an actual desire to check what it was that he clicked on it.

His heart near stopped as he saw the Facebook notification. Castiel Novak would like to add him as a friend. Dean needed another drink for this. All the emotions of the last six months, the memory of that night, the way they had left things, it all was crashing down all around him. He didn't bother with a glass, just drinking straight from the bottle as he stared and stared. He let out a humorless chuckle. Well, it looked like one of them had finally grown some balls.

It took another ten minutes of staring, interrupted only by quick swigs from the bottle, before he couldn't take it any longer and, heart hammering in his chest like he was a damn teenager in love, clicked that damn button.

He stared at the screen like he expected it to implode, and nearly jumped out of his chair when a chat box popped up.

 _Hello Dean_ , was all it said and for some reason those simple words had him stop breathing for a second, a giddy smile spreading across his face.

There was so much he wanted to say to the man, a lifetime worth of stuff in fact, where to even start. He didn't want to do this drunk again, and also he had never been the best with the written word.

 _Heya Cas_ , was the poorly constructed reply that took him far too long to compose. But his brain decidedly was not cooperating. He kind of understood all of a sudden how people could spent hours just mulling over the right wording of one text message. God he was pathetic, indeed.

He nervously bit his bottom lip as he waited for a reply, all thoughts about hitting the bed early forgotten.

 _How have you been?_

Dean snorted. Well, where to even start.

 _It has been an interesting few months_. Was the message he eventually settled for. It pretty much encompassed the general sentiment of the current mess that was his life.

 _Same_. Came the all too short reply and Dean worried whether Cas would leave it at that, whether he should quickly shoot of a message to keep this conversation going, when nothing seemed to happen from Cas' end. Then another message came through.

 _I was wondering, if it's not too presumptions, whether you wanted to meet up for a coffee one of these days. I recently moved back to Kansas to be closer to my family, but I understand if it is too much to ask_.

Dean's heart hammered away frantically in this chest, this was one answer he wouldn't have to think about. He had spent too long second-guessing himself. Who cared if this was a sensible decision to make, it wasn't like he still had anything to prove to anyone. He had missed Cas miserably over these last months, and if he could feel like that after just one night together, who knew what could happen or blossom between them. Maybe it was time for once to just jump off the deep end and see where things would take him.

He face was hurting, he was grinning so hard and his reply was short and to the point,

 _I'd like that_


End file.
